The ShitList
This is the place where I can "Get My Ya-Ya's Out", as "the Stones" (who SUCK) once said.
I have always been ENRAGED by music that COMPLETELY SUCKED ASS;
especially when there are all these IMBECILES running around singing their praises to it.
The first to get grilled & Frizzle-Fried is gonna be STAIND.
(Who suck SO BAD, they make 'the Stones' look almost talented)
This is gonna be UGLY.
I am an electrician, I work at many different jobsites, and at many of these there can be found the evil spawn:
The Job Radio (If I brought my own CD player, many of the other tradesmen would run away ripping hair and screaming in toungues)
Now these wicked little spewers of stinking, unlistenable turdlets of FM dross are the main reason that The ShitList exists in the first place.
Because otherwise, THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I would EVER
be caught LISTENING to ANY of this HORRID, Time-Wasting MEGA-ROT.
CLEAR CHANNEL MUST BE DESTROYED!
I am NOT threatening anyone here. This will happen by legal means.
If you are scratching your head right now, GO READ the 'About' Page.
Anyway, we invariably end up with one of two choices:
_____a. Vapid, mostly blues-based "Classic Rock", (The 'Boss', 'Stevie' Winwood, Jackson Browne
OH DEAR GOD~pleeeeeease~SPARE ME THE HELL OF THIS BOREDOM....
(OH! I've got an idea! Let's hear "Start Me Up" ...AGAIN!!
...I'm gonna start ME up a friggin' chainsaw & head for that mutha-%$#* RADIO)
_____b. 93 x 'Extreme Radio' The local so-called 'metal' broadcast.
These are the people that nearly turned me into an unhinged, psychotic sociopath one day
by incorporating not one, not two, BUT THREE FUCKING STAIND songs
into their 'Playlist' before lunch break ALONE!!
Which of course brings us to a:
::NEWS FLASH::
Guess What!!??
All the Tattoos and Piercings on Earth will NOT magically transform you into a musician!
1. STAIND and FUEL
I've got enough venom for two, so let's just lump Staind and Fuel into the same tidy little shitpile.
These two ought to just form one big crappy band and call it 'EXCRETA'.
The "music" that they "create" is Tiresome and Inept, Pretentious and Contrived, and fails on every level.
They both attempt to utilize this Pseudo-Intensity and Mock-HarshRealism which endlessly drones away with tepid,
"I take myself WAY too seriously" vocals and dull, hackneyed "power chords".
The very fact that either of these losing causes makes a dime, let alone Million$ of BADLY spent Dollar$ is Pure Larceny in its ugliest form.
Both bands are a Botch; a COMPLETE Washout musically.
The fact that people voluntarily choose to subject themselves to this musical malady... well frankly, I'm "Stunnd".
Flush Twice
(9/5/01) I just now came across this absolute LIE on their ShitStaind Website:
"...above all, 'BREAK THE CYCLE' solidifies STAIND's identity as a heavy rock band like no other right now,
a group that writes real songs and imbues the most aggressive and dissonant sounds with a musicality and beauty
that would be equally as powerful even if performed on an acoustic guitar."
These Guys are pushing my patience to the FUCKING Limit... Dissonant!!?? ... IMBUES!!?? ...MUSICALITY!!!!????
Have a listen to Piggy of Voivod, Geordie of Killing Joke, or some Igor Stravinsky you fucking pretenders...
THAT is Fucking DISSONANCE! (It's also Music)
I had better just leave this be or I'll give myself an aneurism.
I have spent WAY more than enough time & energy on this GodAwful, Unlistenable Musical Defacation.
12-10-01
OK, one more thing. I have posted "My fave Staind song" on their board, & since it is such a pain in the ass board to view, I'll share it with you now:
"My favorite Staind song is the one where, right in the middle of their acoustic shitpile,
A HUGE CHROME-PLATED BULLDOZER with NAPALM DEATH logos all over it PILEDRIVES and CRUSHES them.
Then ND takes the stage, and shows all you whining PUSSIES what REAL FUCKING MUSIC IS."
And I think "Affixed By Disconcern" is what they will play.
That will do it.
Stay tuned, because the next victim will be given even LESS slack than these clowns.
2. THE RED HOT CHILI PECKER SMOKERS
This is one of the worst of the worst.
There is not a single band in recent memory more OVERRATED than this Putrid Lump of Festering GullGuano.
I will concede only that "Flea" possesses a certain degree of talent on his "instrument", but that's ALL THEY GET.
First, let's discuss the Sub-Simian vocal "Output" of lead Smoker Anthony Kiedis.
This is beyond an annoyance.
As a matter of fact, here's MY monkey theory:
If you locked Twelve-Thousand Monkeys in a room, they would ALL sing better than Kiedis.
And if you locked him in there with them, ...well Que Sara Sara, Whatever will be Will Be.
This guy should take that goddam SOCK off of his stanky-ass NUTSACK and STUFF it into his YAP-TRAP!! I am sick of hearing it!
The man is a talentless buffoon, with no place whatsoever to criticize Mike Patton OR any of his work.
I'm sure the Peckers REAL reason for not wanting to play on the same bill with Mr. Bungle is that they would have been...
THOROUGHLY OUTCLASSED
(<--Said with a "Bill Walton voice")Then there's the rumours about these twits which would not even be worth mentioning, if they weren't so damn FUNNY,
things like Gay Prostitution on S.Monica Blvd., Heroin Binges, S.T.D.'s etc. ...Absolutely PATHETIC.
Flush Twice and hold down the handle.
1/2...MORE TO COME...CHECK BACK HERE SOON for the next hapless/ hopeless loser(s) to get what's coming to 'em...
3. NICKELBACK and EVERCLEAR
(Picklecrack and Eversmear)
x10004. TANTRIC, DAYS OF THE NEW, SALIVA and DEFAULT
OHHHHhhhh... OOhhAAAAARRRRRGGHHHHHBLURgggggggACCCCCCKKKK!!
Pfffffft... PFFFFFTTTPLPTPLTPLBBBBBBBBLLLLLAGGGGGHHHHHHHACK/
ACK /ACK
aaaaaaahhhhECCCCHHH/ UUGGGGGGRRRRRFFFFssssss
WHOAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHCCKCKCKCBBBLLLBBBPLPTPLTPLTPLTooooOOAAaaacchh
~UGH~
...Someone get me an INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH MOP & some goddam DISINFECTANT
OK, BREAK TIME... (click)
5. KING DIAMOND and DANZIG
This should weed out some of the morons.
We'll start by marking these two buffoons with befitting monikers:
"...And ye shall henceforth be known as..."
The UltraMega Masters of Pure Evil: The Hilarious Comedy Duo of "Faeces & Ordure" :
"Baron Von Whiteface Faeces"
"Sir Blackheart Ordure"
I can not believe people have been falling for these two Pantaloons for this many years.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!
First we have this bearded idiot, the Castrato-Voiced Panty-Waist known as "King Diamond".
I have been laughing at this shitbag since his early days fronting the Oh-So-Intimidating Mercyful Fate,
a bunch of wanna-be prog metal with effeminate, overly operatic vocals and "Beyond Evil" imagery.
Grow the fuck up, you satanic simpleton.
Shave the beard, wipe the inverted cross OFF the forehead, put your God-forsaken toungue BACK in your mouth,
and go start a support group for Gene Simmons /Anton LaVey Wanna-Bes. Maybe we can prevent this from ever happening again.
Uh-Oh! The "Beast" Stirs... Have I raised the ire of a certain lurking evil entity? ...Is that the one and only Glen Danzig?
The guy who feels that muscles, scowling and horned skulls are an appropriate substitute for talent, imagination and singing lessons?
I think it might be.
Let me tell you something, Mr. "Jim Morrison on Steroids", your act has grown tiresome.
It has since day one, when we were all so "terrified" of you and your "SamHain /Misfits".
(two of the WORST bands of all fucking TIME... I didn't even like the SHIRTS!)
...So OFF with the both of you... and take your brooding, numb skull fans with you.
The Toilet would actually be a step up in this case...
NEXT!?
6. The Guy At the Jobsite
Who Whistles Very Badly Off-Key
To Already SHITTY Music
You KNOW who you are, and there is at LEAST one of you on EVERY stinking job.
Let me put it to you this way:
What on earth could be more Vexatious and Irritating;
You not only have to endure that God-Awful, Spooge Gargling Rod Stewart "Maggie May" Pile of Dung,
or that wretched Neil Young, whining, yelping and/ or sobbing (off-key) through his Miserable Sufferings...
(which have become mine)
As an added bonus, you get some
HUNYUK whistling away; ineptly yet proudly, acting as if his glorious "embellishments" are actually adding something here!
I mean if you suddenly shut off the radio, leaving this "Ultra-Talent" to whistle all alone, It would be
UNIDENTIFIABLE, ATONAL and MEANINGLESS.
You wouldn't even know what song he was doing!
I guess you have to endure this day in/ day out for years and years to understand.
Now, I don't know if these guys are too tone deaf to know the difference,
or if they think they are so Damn Cool that they don't have to whistle properly, but either way,
IT HAS GOT TO STOP.
7. COUNTING BLACK CROWES, TRAIN and MATCHBOX 20
What we have here is a bunch of platitudinal, talentless losers;
Platitudinal: "Dull and tiresome but with pretensions of significance or originality"
OH, man I could not have invoked a better word.
Each of these deplorable "Troubadors of Tripe", these "Purveyors of Pap"
...seems to be operating under the badly mistaken impression that this,
the lowest form of all rock genres, needs to be either revived or sustained. (depending on your point of view)
The genre I speak of can be called, quite simply -
Burnout Rock
WHY WHY WHY must we endure this shit? What have we done to deserve this!??
And, more importantly, WHY IN THE FUCK IS THIS CRAP SO GODDAM POPULAR!!??
AAARRGGGHHH!!!
To embody this "style" can only be compared with the Exhumation, and subsequent Desecration of what is ALREADY an Abomination.
This would be akin to digging up Frankenstein's Monster, and then urinating and defacating all over the "corpse's corpse".
Am I getting the point across?
LET IT DIE!!! LEAVE IT TO ROT!!
...Either come up with something NEW, or get a fucking day-job flipping burgers or telemarketing copy-machine toner.
There is, however one notable "accomplishment" shared by all;
It took 20 to 30 YEARS for the shitbags they rip off to sound this BURNT.
They had attained this level of Char-Broiledness the very day they first strapped on a telecaster.
(The worst-sounding, wimpiest-looking guitar EVER)
No toilet on EARTH could handle this.
This is where it goes, folks.
By the way, if you think POOP is funny, and can't get enough of POOP,
Some Sicko-Hunyuk sent me this as if it were some kind of AWARD:
POOP 'Till DEATH
8. THIS "Thing"
This bastard epitomizes all in the world that I hate.
Job Radios come in all shapes, sizes and states of disrepair.
As evil as ALL JR's are, these others at least have some character, and most
(at one time or another) had the abilty to play cassettes or CD's.
BUT THIS THING... only plays what resides on the the infected, I.Q.-destroying airwaves. No options.
Sure, it will charge your 9-18V power pack, but you can do THAT with the charger that came with it!
While these may look tough or even indestructible, but let me assure you that they are no match for a steel-toe boot.
Or better yet, a Demolition Hammer.
"Vicarious Fantasy via Paint Shop Pro7"
9. STONE SOUR
...and therefore:
10. SLIPKNOT
Folks, I am very nearly at the end of my rope.
The musical situation in this country is continuing to worsen, and here we have hit an all-time low.
Rock fucking BOTTOM, one might say.
The day that my poor ears were first tortured and maimed by the whiny and completely impermissible sounds of
STONE SOUR
...was an Utterly Abominable and Regrettable one indeed.
Two of the definitions of the word 'Sour' go as follows:
SOUR: (Adjective) 1. Smelling of fermentation or staleness
2. Inaccurate in pitch
GOD, I love dictionaries.
And I would wager that if the Immortal (Asshole) Noah Webster's ears had ever been submitted
to the same incomprehensible anguish as mine were on that day,
he might have evinced an exponentially more extreme version of this expression, sour.
And so consequentially, the almost equally horrid SLIPKNOT has at long last made The Shitlist,
after two years' worth of fervent Requests and exigent Demands.
I only needed the proper motivation to do so, and here it is;
because it is two members
(at least one of whom is a Whimpering, Whining Turd-Tosser)
...of this cheap-ass Mr. Bungle ripoff
SLASH
thoroughly unimaginative caboodle of unnecessarily successful wanna-be grinders and clowns
...that once formed and later revived
STONE SOUR
...which NOW REIGNS as the SINGLE WORST musical atrocity of the 21st Century.
The day that I find the means to Banish such music from the radio waves and television screens of the world,
~The Greatest Day of My Life Shall be at Hand~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And friends, that brings us to the conclusion of
The ShitList
There were other crap bands and shit genres
which I wanted to cover,but I feel that
my work here is sufficiently done, at
least for now. I think my point has
been made, so I bid thee farewell
and A-DOO, so I may focus my
energies on REAL Music and
Necessary Weirdnesses,
and to thus continue
the Campaign for
the Abolition
of the Stool
-Samples
spoken
of on
this
Sacred Script
(10/11/01) ...If the "Staind" section was fun for you, there is MORE FUN to be had!
It seems that I have begun a chain reaction of Message Posts -
HERE
So feel free to join the endless fun.
UPDATE: My little 'dose of reality' contributions proved to be too much for them
-- BOARD Permanently CLOSED --
hahaha
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